Why am I feeling this way? This is a question I asked as I struggled with a certain temptation. In asking this question, I was able to look at my inner self. I came face to face with the sinful self within, a self I would not recognize if I would not have examined myself. This is a prerequesite to repentance, which leads to forgiveness.

     I call the above event a moment of mindfulness. Mindfulness is becoming aware of what is happening to me- to my body (sensations), my mind (thoughts), and my heart (feelings). Mindfulness is a great guide in personal growth, including spiritual growth. In the Christian story, the person favored by God is the one who looks at his lowliness, the one who examines himself and sees the darkness within. This person knows that he has hated God and hated others, therefore, he is under God's judgment. The person who sees the darkness within is the one who will turn to God for salvation from his judgment. The person who sees the darkness within is the one who will turn to Jesus, the Savior chosen by God, in faith.

     I have wondered about the big deal about Jesus' coming. I knew theologically that Jesus is God incarnate acting to save his people by taking their place. He died the death that we deserved because of our darkness. He rose again to give us a new beginning, this time with a heart that desires to love God and others. It is by pushing myself to be mindful that I have grown in the knowledge of the darkness within, and as I became more aware, I have grown in my gratitude towards the God who not only saved me from my sins, but also provided me with everything that has given me joy.

    This new year, wherever you are in your faith walk, I encourage you to be mindful. I encourage you to put your efforts into understanding yourself. How can you do this? One way is to examine yourself after you have become angry. Some people say that being angry is completely fine, and the way we express anger is what could be problematic. However, understanding your anger can lead you to seeing the darkness within. What makes you angry has something to do with your values and priorities. These values and priorities may not be in line with God's values and priorities. Jonah was chastised by God for being so angry about God being gracious to the people of Nineveh, whom Jonah was sent to proclaim God's judgment to. He was also chastised for being angry with God for not keeping him comfortable, but then not caring for the possible death of many people. Jonah's anger was a revelation of his dark heart. Maybe your anger at your children is a revelation of a dark heart, a heart that values control above all things, and your children got in the way of your desire for control.

     Then as you discover the darkness within you, may you turn to the one who can heal the darkness, Jesus the Savior.