Why am I feeling this way? This is a question I asked as I struggled with a certain temptation. In asking this question, I was able to look at my inner self. I came face to face with the sinful self within, a self I would not recognize if I would not have examined myself. This is a prerequesite to repentance, which leads to forgiveness.

     I call the above event a moment of mindfulness. Mindfulness is becoming aware of what is happening to me- to my body (sensations), my mind (thoughts), and my heart (feelings). Mindfulness is a great guide in personal growth, including spiritual growth. In the Christian story, the person favored by God is the one who looks at his lowliness, the one who examines himself and sees the darkness within. This person knows that he has hated God and hated others, therefore, he is under God's judgment. The person who sees the darkness within is the one who will turn to God for salvation from his judgment. The person who sees the darkness within is the one who will turn to Jesus, the Savior chosen by God, in faith.

     I have wondered about the big deal about Jesus' coming. I knew theologically that Jesus is God incarnate acting to save his people by taking their place. He died the death that we deserved because of our darkness. He rose again to give us a new beginning, this time with a heart that desires to love God and others. It is by pushing myself to be mindful that I have grown in the knowledge of the darkness within, and as I became more aware, I have grown in my gratitude towards the God who not only saved me from my sins, but also provided me with everything that has given me joy.

    This new year, wherever you are in your faith walk, I encourage you to be mindful. I encourage you to put your efforts into understanding yourself. How can you do this? One way is to examine yourself after you have become angry. Some people say that being angry is completely fine, and the way we express anger is what could be problematic. However, understanding your anger can lead you to seeing the darkness within. What makes you angry has something to do with your values and priorities. These values and priorities may not be in line with God's values and priorities. Jonah was chastised by God for being so angry about God being gracious to the people of Nineveh, whom Jonah was sent to proclaim God's judgment to. He was also chastised for being angry with God for not keeping him comfortable, but then not caring for the possible death of many people. Jonah's anger was a revelation of his dark heart. Maybe your anger at your children is a revelation of a dark heart, a heart that values control above all things, and your children got in the way of your desire for control.

     Then as you discover the darkness within you, may you turn to the one who can heal the darkness, Jesus the Savior.

     "How far have I sunk?", Joseph asked as he found himself cleaning garbage cans. Joseph was a happy man, rich and well-educated in his native country. However, because of a turn of events, Joseph had to leave his country with his family. Joseph became a refugee. He lost all his material possessions and found himself dependent on the charity of others. Now Joseph found himself in a new land, where he is a stranger and his previous life did not matter. He found himself doing work he never dreamed of. Some of you could resonate with Joseph's feeling of being trapped in a life you never dreamed of. Maybe the economic turn of events left you without a home and without a job you are proud of. Maybe your health has deteriorated and you feel that you have become a burden, unable to care for yourself. Maybe you just struggle with a general feeling of unworthiness, that who you are and what you do does not matter.

     The Lord of the universe felt what it was like to be insignificant. He knows what it was like to walk in your shoes, and this same Lord is watching over you. This same Lord is asking you to walk with him, and in walking with him, you will find "heaven". Remember that this Christmas, we are not celebrating the birth of a mere man or a deity coming to earth to do something spectacular like becoming a king who goes to war against evil. The closest stories we have are of lesser gods becoming incarnated, defeating an evil king and/or telling their disciples how to find "heaven". We are talking about the Lord of the universe, the one who brought the world into existence and is behind history, coming to earth as a helpless baby. According to the Christian story, the creator was conceived and was a fetus in his mother's womb, receiving his sustenance from her. He was born, once in history, in a manger, a place where animals feed. He was dependent on his parents for everything; food, clothes, love, cleanliness. His parents had to teach him how to function in his world, to work and to treat others. 

     It is a mystery how the creator of the universe, the eternal word, could empty himself of who he is. It will take volumes to talk about that mystery. The God of all gods, the one who sustains the universe, became insignificant. If you are struggling with a sense of significance- "Do I matter?", "Does what I do matter", think about the baby in the manger. A baby is the epitome of helplessness, vulnerable to the whims of his parents, and to the forces of nature and history. Those who saw this baby saw a helpless human being. However, the Christian story continues with this baby becoming the man who will save humanity. He will not do it by weapons or by political power. He will save humanity by a great display of humility, giving his life in the place of sinful humanity, in the place of you and I who have not wholeheartedly loved God and others. God's standard of love could not be broken, sinfulness leads to eternal separation from God and from life itself. By a seemingly insignificant act, this man would die in our place so that we could be in the presence of God and life itself. God's power was shown in the insignificant. Praise be to God!  

     My daughter and I play a version of hide and seek. Instead of hiding ourselves from each other, we would hide a toy. We would take turns hiding the toy and the other person would look for the toy. One time, I thought of throwing her off. I hid the toy behind me, not in any spot in the house. Needless to say, my daughter looked at places in the house, until I gave her clues that led to me as the location of the toy. The toy she is looking for all along was not outside of me but is "in" me.

     I heard in the radio about an encournter between Pastor Greg Laurie and a man who said he "tried" Jesus but it did not work for him. What is this man thinking? I believe that this man thought of using Jesus as a way to fulfill his dreams. His dream could have been to become successful financially or relationally or whatever else kind of dreams men have. This man looked at Jesus as a teacher who would help him fulfill his dreams by pointing him in the right direction. However, Jesus is not a teacher who points us to a right direction, but one who pointed to himself as the right direction. He did not say to people "I will show you the way to rest, to be freed from your troubles", but he told people "come and walk with me and you will find rest for your souls." Jesus presented himself as the end, not a means to an end. 

     To see Jesus as a means to an end is to see our deepest longings apart from him. To see Jesus as an end is to see our deepest longings in him. What does it mean to see Jesus as an end, and not a means to an end? It means to allow Jesus to lead us, to shape our dreams. It means giving up the pursuit of self-glorification, to carry our cross and follow him to calvary, where he emptied himself to the point of humiliation, being nailed to a cross and dying on a cross. This is the way to resurrection, to the end of death and the beginning of life in God's presence, our ultimate longing. 

     As I look back in my life, I have seen how I have held on to self-glorifying dreams. They were dreams that became a burden to me, and a cause of suffering for my family. Christ has taken my self-glorifying dreams and gave me peace in my soul. May he do the same for you as you give him your dreams. Trust him to give you rest.

     I am a chaplain and people ask me a lot to pray for them. I do struggle with this concept of prayer. On one hand, God invites us to pray, and promises to listen to us and bless us when we turn to him. On the other hand, prayer sometimes lift up our expectations and then disappoint us. A lot of times prayer goes unanswered.

     As I meditate on prayer, I want to address two extremes. Some people make the statement that prayer does not change God but it changes the praying person. This statement feels to me that the person who says this statement is hedging. Its like saying, your prayer may not be answered, but you will be better for it (increase faith, patience, etc). The biblical data seem to suggest that God does change his plans as a result of the prayers of his people. King Hezekiah prayed to God to prolong his life after God has said that the king will die from his sickness. God prolonged Hezekiah's life as a response to his prayer. Therefore, it seems that God does change his plans. Some try to settle the incongruity of God being unchangeable with God changing his plan as a response to prayer by saying that God moved the heart of a person to pray and uses that prayer as part of his plan to answer that prayer. This poses a problem. Some are moved to pray but their prayers are not answered. God did not change his mind, but this leaves the problem of why pray when God has determined his answer already?

     On the other extreme are those who look at prayer as something magical. We are fascinated with worlds where witches, magicians, etc. can make things happen with just a wave of a wand, or with some magical words. There are some people who exploit this fascination by having people go through some payer techniques (imagine in detail what you want and have great faith that you will get it) to get what they want. Or some claim that others can be blessed by donating to their ministries in addition to praying. Then if prayer does not get answered, they may say to the prayng person that they just do not have enough faith. This crushes the spirit of the person who expects God to give him what he desies. How much faith or works is enough?

     As I meditate on the mystey of prayer, I though about my relationship with my daughter and the kids I work with. Even though I have love for them, I would not grant them everything they want. The reason is that I have an agenda for them. For example, I may not let a child watch TV not because TV is bad but I want them to learn to be structued, not just jumping from one activity to another. The child has an agenda and I respect that because of my love for them. However, that agenda must be brought in harmony with my agenda because I am the authority and am responsible for their development as persons.

     What does this have to do with prayer? You have an agenda and God has an agenda. Prayer is communicating your agenda to God, asking him if it could have a place in his agenda. Humility requires us to accept God's no. Remember though that God respects your needs and desires. God is not disintereted in your happiness, he cares about your happiness, but within his agenda for you. God may not allow you to get a certain job because he wants you to flourish and develop your person in your present job, not in another job. However, he did listen to you when you asked for that job and is taking into account why you cared about getting that job. This example is benign but the prayer may be about something more heart-rending, like the recovery of a loved one. Although it may be difficult to take, these things remain true.

1. God has an agenda for his world.

2. God cares about your concerns (said and unsaid0.

3. God may include your concern in his agenda or he may not.

4. If he does not, God remains concerned about you concerns.   

     I was observing the reactions to the announcement of the pastor of a small church in Florida that Korans will be burned to commemmorate September 11. Many Muslims went into the streets protesting and even worse, committing violent acts against Christians. It is good to have a zeal for God, and I want to reflect on what all these violence says about their God.

     Humans abhor insults to their honor. It is understandable for a person to hit somebody for cursing at him, or destroying his property. The radical muslims who started inflicting violence because of this news presents God as somehow like us. This is a God who would not take insults, who avenges himself on his enemies.  

    The Christian conception of God is someone who became human and accepted the insults of his enemies, and still loved them, offering them peace. He must have felt anger as his enemies insulted him, but he resisted reacting with murder but instead accomplished his mission, bringing eternal life to his people. He is a God who gave himself for the forgiveness of his people despite all the evil they have done. He is a longsuffering God who makes the rain shine on those who believe and those who do not. The death and resurrection of Jesus signaled for us today an age of invitation, not an age of judgment, which will come later. It is an invitation to a great feast, where God is the host and people of all nations will be satisfied.

    If we are believers in this God, we could not respond with hate to those who burn churches, bibles, or crosses. Besides, God is not contained in churches, bibles or crosses. Our devotion is to the God presented in the bible, not the bible itself. We are not to be religious zealots whose devotion is to a book, and would harm others just because they are not one of them. We could not respond with hate on those who insult us because God does not respond in hate. This does not mean we repress anger or sadness. However, it does mean that our stance should be towards reconciliation, being at peace with our enemies. We are followers of a reconciling God. 

     Why are there more females than males in the church? It seems that Christianity draws females and drives away males. Some think it is because femaleness is encouraged in the church, whereas maleness is not. I have reflected on this question and here are my thoughts.

     It must be admitted that Christianity envisions "softness" as an ideal. It talks about loving enemies, living at peace, being submissive, generally being good in relationships. I thought about competition. I have a daughter and it seems that when we play a game, her purpose is to have fun with her dad. Now when I play with others, I usually seek to win. Now it may be stereotypical to say that females are not competiitive and males are always competitive, but I think this observation is generally valid. There may be exceptions of course.  

     The feminine is usually correlated with "softness" and the masculine is usually correlated with "hardness" , as exemplified by behavior in competition. Is masculine hardness compatible with the Christian vision? Here are my thoughts.

1. Jesus did tell his disciples to love their enemies, a soft stance. However, at times, Jesus showed a "hard" attitude. Remember how he talked to the Pharisees at one point, pronouncing woes on them. Jesus' stance towards the Pharisees was hard, not giving an inch. He did not try to be understanding towards them. I believe it is because he stands for an absolute principle, that looking down on sinners is wrong.

2. The apostel Paul's principle for the Christian life is to remain in whatever station you are, a married person must not seek to be unmarried (that would be wrong), and an unmarried person must not seek to be married (although he is free to get married). His point is that the Christian life can be lived in whatever station you are, you don't have to change your station in life to be a Christian. I extend this principle to gender, with its associations. He did not say that a man needs to be more like a woman or vice versa. Let us apply this principle through an illustration.

     There was once a husband and a wife who has a son. The husband is very hard, being absolute about wrong needing to be punished. The wife is very nurturing, her heart being broken when her son is unhappy. One day, the son stole something from his teacher and as a punishment, his teacher has him clean bathrooms. The son felt very bad and asked his parents to intervene, saying that what he is being asked to do is demeaning. What ought the parents do?

     I believe that whatever has to be done should be for the sake of the Lord's standards. On the other hand, whatever has to be done must be done with love, not destroying others. The two commandments complement each other. There are people, usually males, who care more about order (what is right). There are people, usually females, who care more about relationships. Again, this is just a general observation.

     Definitely, what has to be done should not be for the sake of revenge, the father acting out of anger towards his son blemishing the family name. What has to be done also should not be to make the son comfortable, the mother protesting his son's punishment. Both father and mother must look to what is right for the sake of the Lord's order and for the sake of everyone involved. The father's firmness is important in this situation to make sure that justice is done. The mother's softness is also important in this situation so that there is love in the midst of discipline.  Everyone must express their personalities for the sake of God's order and for the sake of loving others, not for their own interests.

"You never help me around the house" says the wife. "Yes I do, I do this and this and this ..." says the husband. This is probably a typical dialogue that happens in many households. In this scenario, the husband may be feeling that his freedom is being violated, that his wife is wanting him to stop doing the things he wants to do.

As I thought about Independence day, I began to reflect on the word "freedom," a word that is being thrown around during our national holidays. Freedom is a tricky thing because one group's freedom could negatively affect other people. For example, one person's freedom of speech could make another person feel uncomfortable. A sermon that attacks a certain sin could make a person who is practicing that sin uncomfortable. Do we then have to limit freedom of speech? If so, how far do we go?

My purpose is to reflect on another kind of freedom, a freedom that enhances human relationships, freedom in Christ. The epistles talk about freedom from law, which at first glance could result in many broken relationships. However, let us think about the concept of law.

Law serves love, so where there is natural love for others, law is not necessary. Law also prevents the full expression of human nature, which has a trajectory towards hate, selfishness, greed. Where that trajectory of human nature does not exist, law is not necessary. So what is freedom in Christ?

When Jesus bids us to follow him, he asks us to follow him to the cross. The Christian life is then a life lived in the light of the cross. Just as Jesus gave up himself, his prerogative to destroy his enemies, his prerogative to live a normal life, Christians are called to give up the trajectory of his nature that seeks its own ends. Behind the cross is the resurrection, where a new being arises. Christians also follow Christ in his resurrection, the dawn of the new person whose trajectory is towards loving the other. The Christian then is not under law, but under that new trajectory. The law then becomes a guiding principle that helps the Christian live the new life. 

What then do we say about the husband in the beginning of this blog? The husband is seeking a law that tells him how much should he help his wife. However, the husband in Christ would seek to find out how he has not been loving enough to his wife that she feels unhelped and seek to help her in such a way that she feels loved. The Christian husband is driven by love and not by law.

Here are two thoughts I have about God's grace this past few days.

1.  Grace is a good thing when it is given to me, but when it is given to someone else, grace could become a hard pill to swallow. One of the times I have come to a realization of that is when I get upset when some drivers drive so fast and they make me fear for my life. I hope in my heart that they get a ticket. However, when I speed and I see that police car behind me, I wish for grace, that I would get away with it. We sometimes do what we condemn others for and then thank God when we get away with it, even to the point of becoming boastful about not doing wrong.

2. In the beautitudes, there was a statement that if we love our enemies we will be sons of God. I flippantly thought that being sons of God is a reward. However, as I read it carefully, I noticed that the preceeding verses are about being kind to our enemies. Therefore, that statement "we will be sons of God" is a statement about how God is like. When we are kind to our enemies, we reflect God's mercy as a son usually reflects his father's looks, character, habits, ets.  We become partakers of the divine nature when we reflect the grace of God towards both friends and enemies. He causes rain to fall on the godly and the ungodly so they can grow food.

Who are our enemies? I think enemies can be looked at not as a static status (those who are different, those whom we hold a grudge against, etc). Enemies can also be a dynamic status. This means that even a friend could be an enemy at certain points. Those we love could be our enemies when they do us wrong. I believe this insight can help us with holding grudges. People do wrong things and sometimes we cast them off from our lives. If we are to be like God, I believe we can't cast off our enemies from our lives. God looks towards reconciliation. He sent his son to make his enemies into his friends. We also need to look towards reconciliation with our enemies. This does not mean letting those who have wronged us get away without suffering the consequences of their actions. There is evil and God abhors evil. For the sake of our Lord, justice must be served.

I was thinking of how the Catholic church made steps so that the Catholic priests who have abused children before would not have to face criminal prosecution. To them this may look like mercy (to the priests but not to the victims) but this was total disregard for God's law, not to mention state law which we are bound to obey as people of God, against harming children and having unlawful sexual relations. If the Catholic leaders love God, they would not have let those priests get away with their crimes. Saying that, it is possible to refrain from wishing evil on wrongdoers while letting them suffer the consequences of their actions. I believe this is the minimum act of love we can give to our enemies, to leave them in the hands of God, and not to actively seek their destruction through our actions.  

     As I thought about the Parable of the Prodigal Son, I have always wondered if there was really anything wrong with the Older son. Could we not look at him as someone who is seeking justice, something that most people seek for? His brother did not suffer the full consequence of his sin, alienation from his father. Does not he have the right to complain about the perceived injustice? I have heard of stories where criminals are forgiven by their victims. A part of me thinks it is wrong, since I believe that criminals should pay the full consequences of their crimes. However, as I think about God in the bible, from the beginning of creation, he has been a gracious God. After Cain murdered his brother Abel, the God who made Cain into a wanderer, in a great display of grace, placed a mark on Cain and protected him from anybody who is going to kill him.  

     The story of God's grace towards Cain made me reflect on what kind of God we have. He is a God who gives grace even to the worst of sinners. The sun shines on both the Godly and the UnGodly. This truth gave me a glimpse of what was wrong with the older son in the Parable of the Prodigal son, and the Pharisees of Jesus' day. They opposed the God of grace by inferring that God's grace does not rest on certain people. These certain people are the sinners and people who are different from them.

     Who then are the Pharisees of today? Those who drive people away from the Grace of God. When we shun people, not looking at them as worthy of salvation (eternal life in the presence of God), not worthy to become our brothers and sisters in Christ, we have become like the Pharisees. This could take the form of ignoring people who come to our church because we don't really want them to come back, or we may just be indifferent towards them.

    There is also another form of Pharisaism today. Remember that the Spirit of Phaisaism drives people away from the Grace of God, which saves them. Some liberal churches, by denying that salvation is found in Jesus Christ alone, is driving people away from God's grace. This liberal churches seem to be open to others, but in reality, they drive people away from God's grace. Jesus Christ is the provision of God's grace. To insinuate that a person does not need Jesus because any religion is good is to drive people away from God' grace.

    The older brother would have been fine if his brother continued to be a wanderer. The pharisees of today would have been fine to let others continue in spiritual darkness, whether by shunning them or by teaching that they don't need God's grace in Jesus. An antidote to Phariseeism is to acknowdedge that there is no other way to salvation except by grace through faith in Jesus, the personification of God's grace, a grace we are to share with all people.

     I was looking through pictures of our church basement from a mission trip to Zambia. Zambia is a very poor country and I saw pictures of men and women smiling, seemingly satisfied with life. These men and women don't have what we in the west feel are necessities of life- a nice car, a nice house. technological gadgets. However, they seem happy.

    This made me realize that there must be another source of happiness besides the necessities or luxuries that we may crave. My thoughts then moved to the prosperity gospel teachers who teach believers that it is fine to crave wordly luxuries and God can help you gain those worldly luxuries.

     To be fair, the people who flock to the prosperity teachers are needy people who desperately want God to give them relief from poverty. We should be understanding towards them. Also, the people in poor countries who find happiness should still benefit from our service. Material needs are not discounted by God and neither should we discount the material needs of others. However, it is wrong for the prosperity teachers to encourage people to seek riches and to use faith to bring about material prosperity. 

     The vision of the prosperity gospel is against Jesus' vision. When Jesus called people to follow him, he called them to follow him to the cross, not seek the approval of the world. This means that if we follow Jesus, we must renounce the desire to be first in the world in riches, health, etc. Our goal should be heaven or the face of God, and our joy should be that God, through Jesus, assures us that we will reach our goal. That assurance is so strong that it is presented as a present reality, not just a future hope. 

     The face of God is on those who follow his commands. If our goal is heaven or the face of God, then our journey in life (our dreams, our decisions) should be characterized by following the Lord who gave himself up for people. Whether rich or poor, our journey should be characterized by service and not the pursuit of riches.