"Why are you so defiant?" I asked myself as I tried to no avail to get a child to go to school. This issue of defiance is something that we adults, in our varying roles, have to deal with as we relate to children. This question came to my mind as I pondered an issue that is plaguing the church- the loss of faith, or at least the loss of individual moral concern, in the next generation, despite their social consciousness. They seem to have not gotten that individual morality is as important as social morality, and are also related.  

     How are this issues of defiance and loss of faith related? I believe there is a spirit of defiance in all of us, and young adults losing faith is a show of defiance. This is not a conclusion based on research but a conclusion based on observation of myself and the children I work with.

     I thought about my defiance when I was younger, I used to diligently help clean our house. However, when my sister started making a chart to assign chores to members of our household, I stopped cleaning our house. As I grew older and wiser, I now realize that it is just my defiance. I also thought about my conversion to Protestantism. I see it partly as defiance, although I presented it before as an issue of right and wrong. it is also true that it is in the Protestant tradition that I found Jesus and I have grown in my faith, and that is why I could not see myself going back to my childhood loyalty to Rome.

     If we are to come to grips with the loss of faith in our children, we should look at their alienation from authority. There has to be a move by the spirit to "turn the hearts of fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers." There has to be reconciliation between authority and those under authority, which children are. Let us now look at the roots of defiance.

1. There is a component of sin in defiance. Self-assertion without accountability is the desire of the sinful heart both in children and in adults. We adults need to watch out that we don't succomb to our desire to have complete control of our lives. This could lead to resentment of our children. Our children also need to battle that desire in themselves. This desire is fed by the devil who hates the God we are accountable to, and the world that tells us and our children to throw off all constraints and fulfill every desire. This is a spiritual battle for our souls and the souls of our children. We need to entreat God for our children and ourselves, avoiding the temptation to think of ourselves as competent in winning the battle. Remember that victory is the Lord's. 

2. Children may mistrust adults for a variety of reasons.

a. Maybe they just see adults as controlling them. Adults must get better at reasoning with children about the right things to do. It is unsettling, especially for more strong-willed children, to be told what to do without explanation. Explain why they have to brush their teeth or why they can't keep wearing the same clothes. We may say this is common sense, but common sense is sometimes blurred by a feeling of mistrust or may not even be obvious. Teach them that compliance is about cooperation, a good character trait.

b. Children may also mistrust adults because they may perceive adults as not concerned about their good. Or even worse, maybe adults have forced them into bad decisions. This is where relationship comes in. Parents, build your relationships with your children. Listen to them, give them your time, you can't afford to let that relationship go. Help them feel that you are for them, not just as a part of you but as individuals. Make sure they know they are loved completely, not only when they are doing good, but also when they do bad. Teach them, instead of just punishing them for not fulfilling "your" expectations. 

c. Children may also mistrust adults because they may perceive adults as lacking wisdom. When children grow older, they will start questioning just because they will be exposed to new knowledge and they are finding their own place in the world, separate from their parents. They are finding themselves, and that includes thinking about what they believe. Make sure you take their questions seriously. Relationship is a two-way street. Be open to them about your doubts, when it is appropriate. Struggle with them in finding answers and coming to grips with the world. Develop wisdom in yourself so you could impart it to your children. Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, therefore, make sure you are taking your relationship with God seriously. Make sure you firmly remind children that there is a God they are accountable to, and that God placed everyone in the world to be a loving presence. Teach them to own that perspective of the world. 

     We and our children may falter and do things contrary to the faith we imparted. During those times, believe in the promises of the God who cares for us and our children. To God be the glory.