I am a person who struggles with regret. I sometimes wallow in regret, thinking of how life could have been if I had taken different paths. I sometimes envy those of my former colleagues or classmates who seem to be growing in their careers, instead of being stuck for different reasons. When I pass through memorable places or hear music from the past, regret comes to me like a dagger in my heart, causing emotional pain. 

     I just want to share what I learned from my battle with regret. I have come to embrace more and more my lack of control of the future. This is both scary and comforting. It is scary because it means that life can fall apart at any moment. Disasters and disease can hit me and my loved ones and I can't do anything about it. On the other hand, it is comforting because lack of control releases me from having to live life "perfectly". I know that my best efforts could amount to nothing, at least according to my limited knowledge, and that in a way is freeing.

    More importantly, I have learned to value the present. I think about the joyful moments with my wife and child that would never have happened if life had taken other turns. I see the faces of children whom I have helped through working in residential and in school settings. I see the faces of adults whom I have helped through my work as a chaplain here where I am at (not where I want to be). I remember that I would not have been there for those people if life whould have taken a different path. It could be argued that I could be doing the same "things" in other contexts, but I realize that thinking like that devalues those people I have helped. The people God gave me to serve where I am are precious in his sight, and I must find joy in serving them. 

    Perhaps most importantly, I was forced to look at what is really important. All my pursuit of the "perfect" life work is about wanting to be significant. In my better moments, I could see that my life is significant. That is because God used me to show love to others, and that should be enough. Many times I have thought, "how can this world or this child be better?" I am realizing that maybe focusing on making things better or making others better is not really the point of life (it just burns you out) but just to show forth the image of God in your world. Maybe showing love, kindness, gentleness, joy, peace, self-control, is really what life is about. I know I will still battle with regret, but I will strive in finding joy in what God is doing in me in the present- enabling me to show forth love, kindness, gentleness, joy, peace, self-control.