I am a person who struggles with regret. I sometimes wallow in regret, thinking of how life could have been if I had taken different paths. I sometimes envy those of my former colleagues or classmates who seem to be growing in their careers, instead of being stuck for different reasons. When I pass through memorable places or hear music from the past, regret comes to me like a dagger in my heart, causing emotional pain. 

     I just want to share what I learned from my battle with regret. I have come to embrace more and more my lack of control of the future. This is both scary and comforting. It is scary because it means that life can fall apart at any moment. Disasters and disease can hit me and my loved ones and I can't do anything about it. On the other hand, it is comforting because lack of control releases me from having to live life "perfectly". I know that my best efforts could amount to nothing, at least according to my limited knowledge, and that in a way is freeing.

    More importantly, I have learned to value the present. I think about the joyful moments with my wife and child that would never have happened if life had taken other turns. I see the faces of children whom I have helped through working in residential and in school settings. I see the faces of adults whom I have helped through my work as a chaplain here where I am at (not where I want to be). I remember that I would not have been there for those people if life whould have taken a different path. It could be argued that I could be doing the same "things" in other contexts, but I realize that thinking like that devalues those people I have helped. The people God gave me to serve where I am are precious in his sight, and I must find joy in serving them. 

    Perhaps most importantly, I was forced to look at what is really important. All my pursuit of the "perfect" life work is about wanting to be significant. In my better moments, I could see that my life is significant. That is because God used me to show love to others, and that should be enough. Many times I have thought, "how can this world or this child be better?" I am realizing that maybe focusing on making things better or making others better is not really the point of life (it just burns you out) but just to show forth the image of God in your world. Maybe showing love, kindness, gentleness, joy, peace, self-control, is really what life is about. I know I will still battle with regret, but I will strive in finding joy in what God is doing in me in the present- enabling me to show forth love, kindness, gentleness, joy, peace, self-control. 

     I am fascinated by the dynamics in the show "Price is right." Everyone laughs and smiles, everyone claps for each other, even if they lost, everyone is happy. I suspect that the longevity of this show is due to the atmosphere of comfortability. Who would not want to be somewhere where everyone is happy, there are no bad attitudes, everything is predictable.

     Predictably, the expectation that life be predictable and happy, extends to our expectation on people. We want people to be agreeable and easy-going, not making us uncomfortable with their "judgments". We want people to make us safe in our thoughts, actions, attitudes. This expectation extends to the one person we somehow feel accountable to, a being called God.

     I suspect that people reject a personal God, and give glory to a nebulous "universe", because the idea of a personal God is threatening but an impersonal universe does not set up boundaries. A personal God may have thoughts or plans that go against our thoughts and our plans. Bear in mind though, that a nebulous "universe" could not love either. 

     Currently, there is a controversy in one denomination about their rejection of a line in a hymn called "In Christ Alone". The line says "the wrath of God was satisfied." The editorial board of their hymnal wanted the line changed, and since the authors refused, they rejected the inclusion of that hymn. They claim that wrath was not their problem but the phrase "was satisfied". I don't think that makes sense, and it makes more sense to believe that the whole line is what bothers them.

     A God with wrath smacks of someone who makes us uncomfortable. The image of a wrathful God seem incongruent with our expectations of a loving God who makes us comfortable. Additionally, biblical wisdom and many ancient sages have declared that is is foolish or unwise to be reactive- letting your temper control you. Wrath automatically evokes the image of a person who blows up at an offense. Besides, Jesus commands people to love their enemies, which seem to preclude letting go of anger and not seeking recompense. The editorial board of the denomination's hymnal have a point.

     However, biblical data (eg. Rom 3:25, Heb 2:17) seem to indicate that God does require satisfaction (propitiation). I propose that we revise our understanding of wrath. We need to stop thinking of wrath as equivalent to uncontrollable rage. God's wrath could be passive (Rom 1) and he is patient. He also has a gracious disposition and we need to accept this seeming paradox and not run from it. 

    I would just like the editorial board to remember that God is a person who has boundaries like us. We don't want those boundaries crossed and so does God not want his boundaries crossed. To want God to be tolerant of whatever we want to be tolerated is being disrespectful. What if a husband asks his wife to be okay with being beaten by him, would we consider that commendable. No, we would consider him to be disrespectful of his wife. We would expect him to respect his wife's boundary. We need to give God that same respect.

     In God's mind, our repeated transgressions must be recompensed. Whether we call that recompense punishment or logical consequence or whatever, the point is, there is a penalty for repeated violation of God's boundaries. The Penal Substitutionary Atonement proposes a way to deal with that reality. Jesus takes the penalty for boundary violating humanity, but Jesus is also God, so God is actually the one taking the penalty. Is God wrong for seeking recompense? Is the person wronged wrong to want his tormentors to face judgment? Ponder the truth that God is all-compassion- he feels the pain of all the wrongs committed against every human being. If we are ready to tell a person who has suffered tremendously in the hands of other people to just let it go, then we could tell God to just let things go. 

     I was intrigued by the plot of the movie "Iron Man 3". The terrorist who was supposed to be leading a war of terror was actually an actor. Behind him, the true terrorist, was an industrialist whose technological innovation is billed as something beneficial for humanity. In the latest Batman movie, a similar scenario is played out. The villain, Bane, was supposed to be someone who is on the side of the common people in their struggles with the socialites of Gotham City. However, in the end, it is discovered that behind Bane was a socialite who was close to the hero Batman. The popular series "Star Wars" follows the same storyline. The Chancellor of the Republic was thought to be someone concerned with peace in his federation. This peace was being disturbed by rebels, who is supposedly backed by an evil group known as the Sith. In the end, it was revealed that the peace loving Chancellor was also the leader of the Sith, the supposed enemies of the republic. Behind the battle was the true enemy, the one who wants complete control of his world.

     I believe that these movies rightly represent the work of the devil. The devil destroys by playing up both sides in a conflict. That is why the church should be very careful in taking clear sides in a culture war. The church must remain separate from culture war if it wants to resist becoming part of the devil's plan to destroy God's creation. The church must fight the temptation to gain popularity with men. It must speak for the God who is holy, the God who sees the darkness in men's hearts, a darkness that lie within those who might be perceived as heroes or villains in the war for dominance of society.

    I think today of the battle over the acceptance of homosexual behavior. There are those who oppose the behavior because of the perceived grossness of the practice, not because of the sanctity of the sexual relationship between a man and a woman who are committed to each other for life. These certain people abhor homosexuality but have no problems with premarital sex, or gossipping or lying, or any other practices God condemns. They don't stand with God and the church must be wary of partnering with them. There are segments of the church who in their zeal for popularity, imbibes the values of a segment of society that values sexual freedom. They have stopped standing with the holy God who clearly desires the sanctity of the marriage relationship. In this cultural battle, I see the devil's hand. The devil wants to foment hate in both sides because he wants to destroy God's creation, to destroy the harmony among his creatures.

     The one who stands with God promotes repentance. He calls all people to have an humble attitude, not trying to beat up others so he can gain a higher moral ground. Unfortunately, the one who truly stands for God will not be popular. He will be suspected by the other side of being a compromiser or being a coward. If we are really honest about who Jesus is, we could never see him as a social reformer or a social conservative who clearly stands with us. He rebuffed Judas when Judas complained against a woman who was pouring expensive perfume on him supposedly because money to help the poor is being wasted. He also rebuffed the self-righteous pharisees who lack in their concern for the poor. The truth is, we can't pigeonhole God incarnate. He cannot be the perfect husband or the perfect boss or the perfect president from our perspective, because if we truly encounter him, we will find our deepest values challenged- freedom or security or social control. He is ultimately not the friend of the liberal or the conservative. The world joined in crucifying him- a zealot betrayed him, the Jewish leaders accused him, and the Romans put him on the cross. However, in God's perspective, he is the perfect king.           

     "Daddy are you proud of me?" My daughter asks me that question once in a while. As a person who has struggled with low self-esteem, feeling that I have nothing to offer, this statement from my daughter gave me a profound sense of the value of my existence. My daughter needs me! She needs me not just to provide for her needs or even her wants, she needs me to feel valued. 

     Western culture celebrates equality and openness, accessibility, and everything that bring honor to every individual. In that sense, it is in line with the biblical mandate to honor everyone, including the disabled. The Old testament talks about God's abhorrence for people putting stumbling bloks in front of the blind and cursing the deaf behind their backs. However, western culture usually tolerates practices that actually bring dishonor to people- sexual promiscuity and exploitation of the work force for the enrichment of a few. 

     How do we fully bring honor to others? I believe it is by setting up conditions where people feel profoundly needed. Not just needed to do a job for example, or to be a sexual object, but needed as a whole person. There is value in the existence of the person beyond what they can do and beyond the pleasure they can provide. There is value in the existence of the person with cerebral palsy who on the surface looks to be someone who just consumes our services. To find that value, we must be open to his thoughts and abilities, we must be open to seeing how they can enrich our lives. We must be humble enough to recognize how we need others, not just what they can do or give, but their presence- their character and attitude.

     Some people may not want to be needed. They may honestly prefer handouts to contributing to society. They need to be constantly reminded that the world needs them to give of themselves- their work, their attitude, their character. I would like to end with a note to my daughter "Baby girl, you have profoundly changed my life and I am forever grateful:)"  

     I want to reflect on what I believe to be two misconceptions about feelings. The first one is that feelings have to be squelched. I heard a preacher once encourage people who are losing their faith to  bypass their feelings and stand on the truth of God's word. I admit that that this could be encouraging. However, there is an underlying assumption here- that the person "feels" that the God behind the bible is trustworthy. If that is not the case, then the encouragement does not go anywhere. it does not matter if we say we believe the bible because of the manuscript and historical evidence because those things don't prove that the God of the bilble is trustworthy personally. The words may actually be written when it says it was written but that does not prove that a good God whom we can trust in our circumstances is behind the bible. Faith requires a leap- a feeling needs to develop. Hatred for God might as well be the feeling that gets evoked by historical investgation, especially if a person just sees a God  of judgment in scriptures and somehow does not get grabbed by the grace of God. I believe because when I see the Jesus presented in the bible, I can't help but believe. Reason does not bring about faith but a supernatural work of God's Spirit. His Spirit connects with our Spirit and faith develops, just like love developing between two persons. 

     My point is that we always are influenced by our feelings. Therefore, it makes no sense to insinuate that we could let feelings go. I believe it makes more sense to pray that  God heal that feeling. The second misconcetion is that feelings are neutral, its the way it is expressed that has moral implications. It is widely believed that there is nothing wrong with being angry, but exressing it violenty is what is wrong. However, in the final chapter of Jonah, God questioned (he did not affirm it) Jonah's anger at God taking away his shade. God questioned his anger at the loss  of the shade but his uncaring attitude for the Ninevites who would have faced God's judgment. God called out Jonah for being so self-focused. Maybe our anger at things in our lives may be a reflection of our desire to be in complete control, our unforgiveness, our selfishness. Anger needs to be examined and may point to something we need to repent of. We need to ask God to forgive us for feeling anger when it is rooted in the flesh. God requires us to praise him, which is a  feeling as much as an action.

     A while ago, I was feeling depressed about how much I was getting paid for work. To get myself to have a good attitude at work, I reminded myself that Jesus is my true emloyer. However, instead of being a comfort to me, I thought to mysef, Jesus is only paying me x amount of dollars and it made me feel worse.

     Then I realized, Jesus (God's) provision does not end with the money I earn at work. It also includes the helps me and my family receive from others. It also includes my health which enables me towork in the first place, and also health which is good enough that I don't have to worry about expensive treatments. Everything that sustains my life comes from him. Add to this the fringe benefits of life- the love of family, the joy of friendships, the pleasure of God's creation.

     Besides money, we like to get from our work a sense of purpose. We don't want to feel that our work is purposeless. Again, reflecting on who our true emoloyer is, frees us from the nagging feeling that our work has no purpose. Because our true employer is the Lord of the universe, we can safely assume that our purpose is not limited to our work. God did not just place us in the workplace but he also placed us in families and friendships and neighborhoods and a whole universe. We get fixated on our career but God has a bigger mission for us and it is not to climb the career ladder as fast as we could. He "simply" requires us to conduct ourselves with justice, mercy, and humility. We can safely assume that he meant for us to practice those three wherever we are- workplace, family, neighborhood, etc. Those  three things may not get us  professional satisfaction or popularity with the world, but it will give us  the peace of mind that we are pursuing what matters eternally. The judgment of the world ends at our deathbed but the joy of the Lord lasts for eternity. 

     The whole point of my reflection is to remind us, especially when we are feeling a sense of frustration with work, that there is a bigger universe. If you let go of the obsession with this one aspect of life, you will find  that you are compensated beyond what you need, and your life is more purposeful than you imagine.  

    "What am I to do?", exclaimed an elderly and disabled woman who just found out that her daughter, who has been her only help, has passed away. What are we to do in the aftermath of the loss of dreams, roles, honor, security, etc.? Loss is heart rending and it is inevitable. There are many kinds of losses. Broken relationships, shattered expectations, failing abilities, death, are kinds of losses and they are inevitable parts of life. 

     Loss is the downside of grace, it hits the "deserving" and the "undeserving". Sports teams that seem destined for a championship never get there (i.e. Buffalo Bills of the 90's). I think we become fans of certain teams because deep inside of us we want life to be fair. A team that has worked hard and had players we feel have good attitudes attract our sympathy. We believe that "good" should come to those we consider "good" and that there should be an equal distribution of the "good", whatever that means. We get offended when peoole insult us because deep down inside we expect to be treated a certain way. An insult shatters that expectation and we want to rectify it.      

     There are varieties of methods to deal with loss. Sometimes we face loss by denying its severity. For example, a jilted lover telling himself that its not really a big deal, that there are more fish in the water. Sometimes we face loss by jumping for a replacement. The same jilted lover quickly finding another person to pursue. Sometimes we face loss by deflecting it. For example, saying to ourselves when insulted to "not take it personally" is a way of deflecting the loss of honor felt when insulted. Sometimes we face loss by numbing ourselves through drugs, alcohol, etc. Sometimes we face loss by withdrawing- not trying anymore or by becoming hopeless. 

     Loss is painful and does not disappear through denial or numbing. Loss has the power to kill the spirit, if not also the body. Loss has the power to kill the character- destroying gratitude, trust, etc. It is humanity's most pervasive and powerful enemy. It is unstoppable because our universe is subject to decay. We will lose our strength (body and mind) as we grow older. Relationships change as time moves on. Institutions we cherish lose their potency after many years. 

     There is truth in the idea that attachment is the root of suffering. Attachment to dreams or expectations can prevent us from having peace. However, does this mean that asceticism is the way to go? Is the life of the monk the way to live? There is another truth that attachments are necessary for the flourishing of life. A child who has a disattached father develops a sense of insecurity that blocks him from having peace in his life. Whether the father regrets the broken relationship or not, he has caused that break and is responsible for its consequences. While his child needed somebody who would dedicate his life to him (making the child's joy his own joy), he separated his life from him maybe by letting him go his own way without any guidance, ignoring him, or worse- treating him as an obstacle to his own "dreams". Our seach for personal fulfillment does not trump our responsibility towards others. The individual is not the center of his universe. There is a power who cares for the flourishing of all of creation, and we oppose that power when we put our own flourishing as the center of our universe. 

     So how do we deal with loss without going the way of disattachment? We embrace it as part of reality. A helpful way to look at attachment and loss is to look at it as the pounding of a hammer. The craftsman pounds the soul to shape it. The craftsman removes the rough edges to make it a thing of beauty, a display of his workmanship. The soul has the choice of seeing the craftsman as cruel or seeing him as good. The soul has the choice of becoming bitter or submitting to the craftman's purpose. May we make the choice that would give us peace. 

    "I am the way, the truth and the life, no one comes to the father except through me." Open and shut case, Jesus is the only way to God! Or is it? To get away from the "embarassment" of the exclusive claims of the historical Jesus, some Christians have found a way to read this passage in a way that would not have to call non-Christians to faith in the historical Jesus. I would like to call attention to this.

    What is this new way? It is to redefine the "I". The "I" has now become the cosmic Christ, a force/spirit that embodies certain human beings, a force/spirit that is moving in history. It is a spirit that human beings could tap into. It is a Spirit that embodies Jesus, a spirit that is the way, the truth, and the life. Some may cleverly equate this Spirit with the Holy Spirit that proceeds from God the Father and the Jesus of history, and also point out the the Logos, a universal principle, became flesh, giving credence to their view.  

     Most of you probably have your Spiritual antennas up and you want to say "Heresy!".  Yes it is, but why? Some of you may want to marshall your knowledge of scriptures. However, I just want to point out that there is a simpler way to declare this to be heresy. It is contained in an ancient document that many Christians give lip service to due to the anti-traditional fervor in some circles. It is a document that defines Christian faith, a document that should be studied and taken to heart by Christians. It is the Apostle's Creed. The creed is clear that there is no separation between Jesus and the "Christ". 

I believe in the Lord Jesus Christ, his only son our Lord, who was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Mary, he suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucidied, dead and was buried...(You know the rest)

     What makes orthodox Christian faith powerful? It is the declaration that God did really act in history. We are not just believing that "Love" burst forth from the grave (a nice sentiment), but that the man Jesus of Nazareth burst forth from the grave. Sure it may be unpalatable for the "sophisticated" person to believe that a man can actually rise from the dead, but nevertheless that is the orthodox Christian proclamation. To deny that is to depart from Chrisitan faith. It is an incredible proclamation that seem foolish to some. I challenge you to root your faith in history, just like the Apostle's Creed has attempted to do. "God loves you" is not just a sentimental statement. God showed his love in history, not just through giving us good things, which is something we could be grateful for, but through the objective history of Jesus of Nazareth. Remember that his Jewish man who lived more than 2000 years ago is the one that Christians worship, not a disemodied spirit that once embodied the man Jesus. 

     "Believe you are a sinner, Believe that Christ died for you, and you are saved" In my sin of intellectual superiority, I have sometimes been very critical of certain people. An example of those people are those "fundamentalists" (for lack of a more accurate term) who I thought were unsophisticated. I am repenting of that and am revisiting this foundational statement of faith.  

     The reason I was critical of this statement of faith is that nobody really knows the depth of human sin. That is why we get defensive when somebody points something out to us that is wrong, instead of admitting that there may be issues in my heart that I need to look at. We chalk sin up to bad upbringing or traumas. Although bad upbringing and traumas may cause a person to sin, the sin is still the person's and whether we like it or not, God holds the person responsible for his reactions to the circumstances in his life. It takes time and soul-searching to really believe this profession. Sin ultimately is an heart issue and to really recognize sin, we need to be acquainted with our hearts- our desires, imaginations, etc. This means, nobody is really "saved" through that converstaion that ended in the person saying the prayer. Its a journey to even start with believing that you are a sinner.

     Another reason is that Jesus' call to discipleship starts with telling people "Come, Follow me" He did not ask them to believe that you are a sinner first. However, as Jesus walked on earth, he showed the depths of human sin in his teaching. He did this alongside assurances and demonstration of God's care for people. Jesus proclaimed that there is a judgment coming, which points to the devastating consequence of sin. Man's rejection of God, which is the foundation of human sin, culminated in Jesus' death on the cross, which we commemmorate on Good Friday. This moment in history is the moment of freedom from guilt.

     As Jesus showed the seriousness of sin, the audience were divided into two sides- those that trust in their own righteousness and those that recognize their sinfulness. Today, this battle continues. There are people on the church who trumpet their righteousness through legalism, thinking they can set up "rules" to be a good Christian. There are also people who trumpet their righteousness by changing God's standards, proclaiming things that were clearly declared to be wrong okay. Both sides deny human guilt, which makes the gospel make sense. The gospel (God so loves the world that he gave his only son so that whosoever believes in him will not perish but have eternal life) does not make sense without the reality of human guilt. The depth of God's love could not be fathomed without first acknowdedging the depth of human sin. Some may think guilt is unhealthy but I believe that biblically, it is the foundation of true spiritual understaning. If we truly want to experience God's love, we have to experience the depth of our sin. We don't deserve what we have (common grace or eternal life) but God gives them to us anyway.

    How do we then respond? I truly believe we are making light of sin by giving the gospel message as "Believe you are a sinner, Believe in Jesus, then you will be saved." It takes community and relationships to bring out the realization that you are a sinner. The invitation should be to join the community that listens to Jesus. This community should not be just a community that cares, important as it is, but a community that acknowledges sin- not trying to eliminate it by creating an atmosphere where people are afraid to acknowledge sin or trying to eliminate it by redefining what constitutes sin. In adition, it is not just believing that Jesus covers our sin that saves us, but belief in the sense of entrusting our whole lives to him, an acknowledgement of his deity. That also takes a lifetime to truly believe. Salvation is a journey and Christ calls us to join in that journey. 

     As I was thinking of the culture war between the secular west and Islamic fundamentalism, I thought about the beginning of the book of Habakkuk, one of the prophetic books of the bible. The situation was that there was rampant corruption and oppression among God's people (Israel). The prophet Habakkuk complained to God about this situation, asking God to rectify it- destroy the oppressors, bring justice. God's response was shocking. He would bring out the Babylonians- an idolatrous and violent people, to destroy Israel. 

     My sense of what the future holds reminds me of the dialogue between Habakkuk and God. Many religious people decry the moral decline of the secular west, that seems to move farther and farther away from God's revelation of what is right and wrong. However, coming on the horizon is the increasing power of radical Islam. As the west faces declining populations, it seems inevitable that the radical Islamists will soon have the upper hand.

     I want to reflect on Habakkuk's shock and disapproval of God's plan of fixing injustice. Many people see the secular west as the good guys, the promoter of tolerance and freedom, and the Islamic radicals as the bad guys, promoters of hate and moral rigidity. However, anti-semitism is still alive and well in the west, which is supposed to be a bastion of tolerance. This is not to mention the name calling and misrepresentation secular ideologues engage in when confronted with opposing views that seek to preserve traditional values. 

     The point is we engage in black and white thinking. There are good guys and there are bad guys. We want the bad guys punished, rightly so. I can remember thoughts of indignation after the Newtown Conn. incident, or the gang-rape of a woman in India. God built a sense of justice in our hearts and it is natural to wish harm on those who do evil. It is right to bring criminals to justice because there is still crime in this age. In fact, it should bring us sorrow, not joy, that we have to impose justice because it shows that evil still has influence in our world.

     However, our thirst for justice should be tempered by the realization that evil is within all of us. The lust for power and controll, uncontrolled rage, etc. are also tendencies within us- from the seemingly innocent and helpful child to the criminal in death row. That is why, in Chrisitan theology, God destroys evil not by setting up two camps of people, one group to vanquish another. Instead, God took on humanity upon himself and brought all of humanity under judgment through his body. Therefore, as we relish in the destruction of evil, let us look at the broken body of the one whom Christians claim to be God incarnate. It is there where evil is dealt with, including our own evil. He died to put our bodies with its evil tendencies to death. That is the spiritual reality behind the death of Jesus and may we unite ourselves to that body, instead of setting ourselves apart from sinful humanity.