“You don’t love your family.” These were words said to me by a former housemate in seminary. I don’t remember what the circumstances were, but I know I did not react in anger. I just remember giving reasons in my head why my relationship with my family was not as close as other people’s. I reasoned that they don’t share my spiritual and moral values and I casted myself as a persecuted believer in the midst of an ungodly family. I also remembered all the times my siblings have hurt me by excluding me or not respecting me. Basically, I justified my alienation with my family, my unwillingness to treat them as my family. I searched for alternative family in my Christian fellowships and thought of it as a completely Godly pursuit. Don't get me wrong, church community is very important for many reasons and it is the place where God sometimes meet our relational needs, which may not have been met in the family. The church community is a manifestation of God's grace.
I am not here to say that I realized how wonderful my biological family really is and I want to spend as much time with them as I can. They are fallen people who made mistakes in how they relate to others, just as I have made mistakes. Only God can heal the alienation and by God's grace, I submit to his process. However, I am here to say that I did not value the family as God valued it and I repent of letting the alienation grow through my attitudes. God hates divorce, and he desires to turn the hearts of fathers to their children. This is because God cares for the unity of the family, and apparently at that time, just as it is today, there is alienation in the family. What is the purpose of the family? It is in the crucible of family life that God teaches us how to relate to others. It is in the family that we are to learn what it means to live as the people of God.
The Apostle Paul gave guidelines to Timothy his disciple on how to relate to his flock as a Pastor. He is to treat older men as his father, older women as his mother, younger men as his brothers, and younger women as his sisters. This strongly implies that familial relationship is the model for future relationships. In some TV shows, siblings treat each other as garbage and parents just stand by like it is natural. Parents yell at their kids in the name of discipline and others stand by like that is right. May it never be in the Christian family! The Christian family must be a place of mercy, grace, and reconciliation. It is not right to keep talking and planning for racial and social reconciliation when the family is in shambles.
Below, I included a section on loving our children. I believe that healing the family starts when parents see their children in a different light. When children grow up and become alienated, it would take hard work for healing to happen. Therefore, think of this as a proactive way to minimize alienation before it becomes bigger.
I have heard it once said that in Western culture, children are seen as additional mouths to feed. Therefore, westerners don’t have as much children. I don’t know if this is true and I am always wary of generalizations. However, I have some observations concerning how children are treated.
One church leader said that one of the commitments of membership in his church is that people have to volunteer for nursery and that is to teach church members servanthood. This made me ask two questions: 1) Are people seeing taking care of children as drudgery and they had to be “forced” to take care of them? 2) Why does it seem like serving in the nursery is considered low in the church’s list of services, like it is better to do other things? Some young church leaders see working with youth as stepping stones to “bigger things”- becoming Senior Pastor or Associate Pastor. These attitudes are contrary to Jesus’ welcoming attitude towards children. As the people of God, I believe we need to treat children as precious in God’s sight, people we willingly interact with and pour our lives to.
Outside the church, professionals see children primarily as their work. There is a problem with this. Children need stability in their lives and without stability, there is anxiety, confusion, and anger. They need people who will commit themselves to them, not just for a certain period of time. In residential settings, we have children who have to deal with multiple losses due to staff turnover. One child told me, “it’s hard to get close to anybody because you end up losing them.” In the streets, there are children who grow up without fathers to be there to protect and guide them. Even worse, their fathers left them and even abused them physically, emotionally, sexually. Some adults only see what children do wrong and berate them, telling them how bad they are and that they would not amount to anything. This leaves a lot of scars in the hearts of many children.
In the home, children may be treated as an inconvenience, preventing parents from advancing their careers or just doing things they like to do. Parents could become resentful of children's asking for attention in different ways and children start to become alienated. Parents may increase the alienation by avoiding the children, or pushing them away by lack of gentleness and understanding. Cute babies start becoming a disturbance when they start expressing themselves, interfering with parent's desires and sense of peace.
In this context, I believe that the people of God can step in and bring healing. One way the people of God can provide healing is by becoming godly fathers, not only to their own children, but also to the fatherless who come under their sphere of influence. Where there is berating, the Christian father can give honor to his children. Where there is only condemnation, the Christian father can provide understanding and grace. Where there is fear (for example, towards a child in a gang), the Christian father can become the strong but tender presence that would help the child become a godly person. Where there is a lack of godly guidance, the Christian father can influence the next generation for God. There is power in fathering and mothering also. The Christian mother (this is not about rigid gender roles, but an observation that women are more naturally nurturing), provides the nurture and care to bring up a generation of loving and empathetic adults.
Children are open and receptive. Childhood is a great time to influence children. They are receptive to learning not only in the spiritual realm but also about daily living. A girl who could not wash dishes derives a lot of esteem from learning to wash dishes. A boy who could not ride a bike remembers the adult who patiently taught him how to ride a bike. To those men who are looking to influence others, consider being a mentor or serve children in other ways. You will be blessed. Teach them about life (doing practical things and dealing with problems) and about your faith, imparting your wisdom and insights. Guide them so that they could live in this world knowing that they are capable and loved.
An ideal way to influence the next generation is by adoption. Adoption provides stability for a child. Providing foster care is also an option for individual members or families. I know it is not possible for many people but it is something to think about. Churches should consider starting schools or afterschool programs as part of their vision. Churches could also do specialized foster care where church members volunteer to live with children in a residential setting.
The family is the primary means God uses to help us grow relationally. Parents are supposed to model love to their children through their relationship with each other and with their children. A good way to gauge our growth is to look at how we love.
The opposite of love is not hate but indifference, the lowest level of relationship. Two persons are indifferent when they don’t expect anything personally from each other. Hate comes out of unfulfilled expectations. The hate shows that there is a wish that things could be different. Indifference can be cordial. Two people saying hi on the elevator don’t usually expect anything from each other. They are usually about their own business and their lives don’t intertwine. A person giving money to the poor but not caring for them as persons is not showing love but indifference. Unfortunately, a family can descend into indifference. Prolonged lack of togetherness, combined with a strong sense of independence among family members, leads to a feeling that their lives are not connected. Any gathering becomes a show of superficial relations. Togetherness comes through experiencing life together (playing, working, worshipping, deep conversation). A child who values togetherness will grow up knowing what it takes to form connections. He will develop better relationships.
The next level of love is what I call mutual self-interest. Self-interested people are aware of their need for others. A person not aware of his need for others, is susceptible to pride and ingratitude. These are things that could ruin the person and his relationships. A child whose parents never enforce mutual help around the house will not know how much he is needed. He will walk through life not taking initiative in helping others, therefore people may think of him as selfish, even though he may really want to be helpful. Growing up not being aware of his potential to help others will hamper his self-esteem. Self-interest does not mean selfishness and it has some wisdom. Being kind to others so that you will be treated with kindness is wise. However, this self-interested caring between people must remain reciprocal, or it would lead to resentment and alienation. This is because it is hard for human beings to truly care about others’ interests without thinking of their own interest. Self-interest can be blatant like expecting to be invited back by a person whom you invite to lunch. Self-interest can be subtle, like a person looking for approval or praise from others because of his kindness. Either way, the self-interested uses others, even though they may not be aware of it. They may think they love another person without expecting anything in return. However, stress in the relationship (conflicts, weakness) will show a person’s self interested nature. When needs are not met, relationship gets strained.
The next level of love is what I call oneness. This is when a person takes pleasure in the joy of the other. He sees the other as an end in herself, not a means to something else. He sees the other’s joy as his joy. This does not mean that people in this kind of love always agree or that they lose themselves. It means that they allow each other to influence their lives completely. In a way, our relationship with everyone should be like this. We ought to be good just for the sake of the other person, not so we can get something for ourselves. However, this love also has to have exclusivity to it. A person cannot give this kind of love to everyone equally. There has to be a hierarchy so that faithfulness is maintained. In God’s economy, the family, specifically the spouses, are on top of this hierarchy. The person looks at his spouse’s interest above others. The life of both spouses are fully intertwined with each other, therefore they sacrifice personal agendas for the life of the other. This oneness brings security to the children and provides an example of how love is to be.
There is a next level of love which is only appropriate between man and God. This is called by different names like union with God or divinization. To understand this level, we could look at the parallel between human relationships and the divine-human relationship. On the first level, a person can be indifferent towards God, not caring about who God is or what God thinks. This person may profess belief in God but really says in his heart “there is no God.” God is irrelevant to his life. On the next level, a person’s focus is on God’s rewards and punishments. He is driven by self-interest. Doing the right things to gain reward and avoid punishment may be wise, but is inadequate because God wants more from us than pure fear. On the next level, a person finds his joy in God’s joy. He is drawn to God and loves God as an end in himself, not as a means to other ends. Prayer is more than a time of supplication but a time of sweet fellowship with God. On the next level, a person’s values become aligned with God’s values. His mercy mirrors God’s mercy. His sense of justice mirrors God’s sense of justice. At this level, the image of God is restored, and we call this partaking in the divine nature. This level cannot be fully attained until the end of the ages. Now we see only glimpses, like TV broadcasting interrupted by white noise. This level is to be prayed for and is granted by God’s grace. Our hearts always slip towards unjust behavior and unmerciful attitude, but in the end, God’s Spirit will triumph and we will be restored into the image of God.