There was once a joke I heard about the fruit cake. It is said that there is only one fruit cake which gets repeatedly regifted because nobody really wants it. I liken the Christian doctrine of forgiveness (the gospel) to that proverbial fruitcake. In Christian theology, forgiveness is God's greatest gift. It is like a treasure buried in the ground. When somebody finds this treasure, he sells everything he has to buy that field in which the treasure is buried.  

     Christmas is about God giving us the gift of forgiveness. God sends his son as a sacrifice so we can be forgiven. Forgiveness is the gospel. The natural mind, the mind without the aid of God's spirit which convicts the world of its moral depravity, devalue this gift. Of all the problems of the world, what use do we have for forgiveness? How can forgiveness feed the hungry child or prevent war? Forgiveness is like the fruitcake nobody wants. 

     I admit that in my zeal to make the gospel more palatable to the natural mind, and also because of my pride, I have robbed it of its purity to the point that denominational authorities suspected that I don't really know the gospel. I have focused on the change that the gospel is supposed to produce in a person's life and to society that I became more of a moralist, coaxing people to look at Jesus' sacrifice and imitate it. Although it is true that Jesus' followers are called to imitate him, the gospel is not a call to pull ourselves out of our bootstraps and change into better people. The gospel is forgiveness and living according to the gospel is to bask in God's forgiveness. This basking (contemplating, meditating) changes us from the inside. The gospel is to drive us to joy that overflows into our relationships. How can infinite joy coexist with anger and bitterness?

      In a popular parable, the parable of the talents, a master leaves his servants treasures that they are to invest. Two servants did well but one didn't (he just hid it). The master was pleased with the two servants. Many preachers look at this parable as something about stewardship, using the things that God gives (material things, talents, etc.) us in a proper way, for his glory. I suggest that we look at this treasure as forgiveness. Forgiveness, the restoration of relationship with God and with others, is the treasure. How do we invest this? By letting the message of the gospel "You are forgiven" permeate our lives and other lives so that we and them change. In that way, the gospel grows as a mustard seed grows into a tree.

     I know I haven't arrived yet. I still need to appreciate God's gift even more and I need God's help to make that forgiveness make a differnce in my life and in the life of others. May this Christmas be a time when we grow in appreciating this gift of forgiveness, embodied in the baby in the manger. 

     As we approach thanksgiving, I just want to share some thoughts about why it is hard to be thankful sometimes.

    First, for many of us, our expectations of life are much higher than the rest of our world. I remember taking a shower and expecting warm water to come out when I turn the faucet one way. Then I remember where I grew up in the Philippines, we did not have warm water coming out of the faucet. You will have to warm it yourself or just tolerate the colder water. I think about all the insurance we have. We expect to have life insurance, health insurance, auto insurance. Many people in the world don't even think about insurance. Unfortunately, our governments and circumstances sometimes make us have higher expectations. States mandate auto insurance. The federal government now mandates health insurance, and with certain benefits that some people find to be more than they need (and costing more). Healthcare costs are so high that health insurance has become a necessity. If it was not so high, we would not be in this place of "needing" insurance in the first place. Our world and our own flesh raise our expectations about life to unnecessary limits, and these expectations drive our anxieties, anger, depression. 

     Second, our sense of self-reliance prevents us to see our connectedness to the rest of humanity. One character flaw I have is wanting to do things on my own, and not to have to ask help from others. I realized that my sense of self-reliance has made my thank-yous shallow, since there is a part of me that says I could have done it myself. However, we should remember that a vast majority of things we need to live are there because of the work of other people (good or bad). Think of roads we use everyday. Those who build them work so we can drive easily, and even more, we don't have to make them ourselves. You may say we pay them, but that does not detract from the amount of toil it takes to make roads, a burden we don't have to bear. Unless we admit that we can't do everything- that we need other people's kindness, toil, talents; our sense of gratitude will be shallow and we will not appreciate others deeply.

     As we reflect on thanksgiving, let us remember that most of us have more than what is needed to live, we have so much extra "things" that we should feel overwhelmed with gratitude. Read up about life in pre-modern environments where order and resources are scarce. Let us also humble ourselves and remember that we can't meet all our needs, that other people are involved in getting our lives together. We are dependent on each other for our physical and emotional needs. Hopefully, our gratitude will make us open our hearts to others. 

     In one episode of the show "Everybody Loves Raymond" there was a scene that bothered me deeply. Ray's parents accused their future in laws (Parents of Robert's future wife) of only tolerating them because they don't want to go to hell but want to go to heaven. I felt that is really offensive, considering that the only "blatant offense" of the future in-laws were being religious. I thought that was very judgmental. As is usually the case, when I encounter strong reactions within me, I step back and try to analyze what was offensive about it.

    It is unfortunate that people think just because someone is religious, his only motivation is going to heaven through being good on the outside. Some religious people are better than that. Understandably, that sentiment may have been fed by religious people who only work on being good outwardly, but not inwardly. They probably have acted "nice" towards people, but behind those people's backs. they are very unkind. This is a terrible misunderstanding of what, according to Judeao-Christian tradition is necessary to go to heaven. In this tradition, we talk about the circumcision of the heart. It is not enough to be kind outwardly, but that kindness must also come from a kind heart. Anything less is violation of God's law and is grounds for God's judgment. Therefore, the one who truly wants to go to heaven must work on having a kind heart, not just being kind outwardly. The problem is, it is hard to be kind in the inside. In our own power, we cannot defeat the forces of contempt and/or resentment that makes us unable to inwardly be kind to others. That is why in Christian tradition, people are called to repent and depend on the grace of God to bring them to heaven. Without that grace, no one can come into God's presence in heaven.

     The person making an allegation that somebody is just being nice because he wants to go to heaven is judging a person's heart. Unless one has evidence that a person is thrashing him behind his back, this allegation is uncalled for. "Nice" people may genuinely be working on their hearts and not closet hypocrites. I guess Ray's father takes pride in being real, in treating people the way they feel from their hearts. Basically, be nice to those you like and don't be nice to those you do not like. However, to live this way is antithetical to the life God calls humanity to. God calls humans to love their enemies, to be gentle to everyone whether you feel like it or not. Being "real" may seem cool but it does not make it the right way.  

     I am a person who struggles with regret. I sometimes wallow in regret, thinking of how life could have been if I had taken different paths. I sometimes envy those of my former colleagues or classmates who seem to be growing in their careers, instead of being stuck for different reasons. When I pass through memorable places or hear music from the past, regret comes to me like a dagger in my heart, causing emotional pain. 

     I just want to share what I learned from my battle with regret. I have come to embrace more and more my lack of control of the future. This is both scary and comforting. It is scary because it means that life can fall apart at any moment. Disasters and disease can hit me and my loved ones and I can't do anything about it. On the other hand, it is comforting because lack of control releases me from having to live life "perfectly". I know that my best efforts could amount to nothing, at least according to my limited knowledge, and that in a way is freeing.

    More importantly, I have learned to value the present. I think about the joyful moments with my wife and child that would never have happened if life had taken other turns. I see the faces of children whom I have helped through working in residential and in school settings. I see the faces of adults whom I have helped through my work as a chaplain here where I am at (not where I want to be). I remember that I would not have been there for those people if life whould have taken a different path. It could be argued that I could be doing the same "things" in other contexts, but I realize that thinking like that devalues those people I have helped. The people God gave me to serve where I am are precious in his sight, and I must find joy in serving them. 

    Perhaps most importantly, I was forced to look at what is really important. All my pursuit of the "perfect" life work is about wanting to be significant. In my better moments, I could see that my life is significant. That is because God used me to show love to others, and that should be enough. Many times I have thought, "how can this world or this child be better?" I am realizing that maybe focusing on making things better or making others better is not really the point of life (it just burns you out) but just to show forth the image of God in your world. Maybe showing love, kindness, gentleness, joy, peace, self-control, is really what life is about. I know I will still battle with regret, but I will strive in finding joy in what God is doing in me in the present- enabling me to show forth love, kindness, gentleness, joy, peace, self-control. 

     I am fascinated by the dynamics in the show "Price is right." Everyone laughs and smiles, everyone claps for each other, even if they lost, everyone is happy. I suspect that the longevity of this show is due to the atmosphere of comfortability. Who would not want to be somewhere where everyone is happy, there are no bad attitudes, everything is predictable.

     Predictably, the expectation that life be predictable and happy, extends to our expectation on people. We want people to be agreeable and easy-going, not making us uncomfortable with their "judgments". We want people to make us safe in our thoughts, actions, attitudes. This expectation extends to the one person we somehow feel accountable to, a being called God.

     I suspect that people reject a personal God, and give glory to a nebulous "universe", because the idea of a personal God is threatening but an impersonal universe does not set up boundaries. A personal God may have thoughts or plans that go against our thoughts and our plans. Bear in mind though, that a nebulous "universe" could not love either. 

     Currently, there is a controversy in one denomination about their rejection of a line in a hymn called "In Christ Alone". The line says "the wrath of God was satisfied." The editorial board of their hymnal wanted the line changed, and since the authors refused, they rejected the inclusion of that hymn. They claim that wrath was not their problem but the phrase "was satisfied". I don't think that makes sense, and it makes more sense to believe that the whole line is what bothers them.

     A God with wrath smacks of someone who makes us uncomfortable. The image of a wrathful God seem incongruent with our expectations of a loving God who makes us comfortable. Additionally, biblical wisdom and many ancient sages have declared that is is foolish or unwise to be reactive- letting your temper control you. Wrath automatically evokes the image of a person who blows up at an offense. Besides, Jesus commands people to love their enemies, which seem to preclude letting go of anger and not seeking recompense. The editorial board of the denomination's hymnal have a point.

     However, biblical data (eg. Rom 3:25, Heb 2:17) seem to indicate that God does require satisfaction (propitiation). I propose that we revise our understanding of wrath. We need to stop thinking of wrath as equivalent to uncontrollable rage. God's wrath could be passive (Rom 1) and he is patient. He also has a gracious disposition and we need to accept this seeming paradox and not run from it. 

    I would just like the editorial board to remember that God is a person who has boundaries like us. We don't want those boundaries crossed and so does God not want his boundaries crossed. To want God to be tolerant of whatever we want to be tolerated is being disrespectful. What if a husband asks his wife to be okay with being beaten by him, would we consider that commendable. No, we would consider him to be disrespectful of his wife. We would expect him to respect his wife's boundary. We need to give God that same respect.

     In God's mind, our repeated transgressions must be recompensed. Whether we call that recompense punishment or logical consequence or whatever, the point is, there is a penalty for repeated violation of God's boundaries. The Penal Substitutionary Atonement proposes a way to deal with that reality. Jesus takes the penalty for boundary violating humanity, but Jesus is also God, so God is actually the one taking the penalty. Is God wrong for seeking recompense? Is the person wronged wrong to want his tormentors to face judgment? Ponder the truth that God is all-compassion- he feels the pain of all the wrongs committed against every human being. If we are ready to tell a person who has suffered tremendously in the hands of other people to just let it go, then we could tell God to just let things go. 

     I was intrigued by the plot of the movie "Iron Man 3". The terrorist who was supposed to be leading a war of terror was actually an actor. Behind him, the true terrorist, was an industrialist whose technological innovation is billed as something beneficial for humanity. In the latest Batman movie, a similar scenario is played out. The villain, Bane, was supposed to be someone who is on the side of the common people in their struggles with the socialites of Gotham City. However, in the end, it is discovered that behind Bane was a socialite who was close to the hero Batman. The popular series "Star Wars" follows the same storyline. The Chancellor of the Republic was thought to be someone concerned with peace in his federation. This peace was being disturbed by rebels, who is supposedly backed by an evil group known as the Sith. In the end, it was revealed that the peace loving Chancellor was also the leader of the Sith, the supposed enemies of the republic. Behind the battle was the true enemy, the one who wants complete control of his world.

     I believe that these movies rightly represent the work of the devil. The devil destroys by playing up both sides in a conflict. That is why the church should be very careful in taking clear sides in a culture war. The church must remain separate from culture war if it wants to resist becoming part of the devil's plan to destroy God's creation. The church must fight the temptation to gain popularity with men. It must speak for the God who is holy, the God who sees the darkness in men's hearts, a darkness that lie within those who might be perceived as heroes or villains in the war for dominance of society.

    I think today of the battle over the acceptance of homosexual behavior. There are those who oppose the behavior because of the perceived grossness of the practice, not because of the sanctity of the sexual relationship between a man and a woman who are committed to each other for life. These certain people abhor homosexuality but have no problems with premarital sex, or gossipping or lying, or any other practices God condemns. They don't stand with God and the church must be wary of partnering with them. There are segments of the church who in their zeal for popularity, imbibes the values of a segment of society that values sexual freedom. They have stopped standing with the holy God who clearly desires the sanctity of the marriage relationship. In this cultural battle, I see the devil's hand. The devil wants to foment hate in both sides because he wants to destroy God's creation, to destroy the harmony among his creatures.

     The one who stands with God promotes repentance. He calls all people to have an humble attitude, not trying to beat up others so he can gain a higher moral ground. Unfortunately, the one who truly stands for God will not be popular. He will be suspected by the other side of being a compromiser or being a coward. If we are really honest about who Jesus is, we could never see him as a social reformer or a social conservative who clearly stands with us. He rebuffed Judas when Judas complained against a woman who was pouring expensive perfume on him supposedly because money to help the poor is being wasted. He also rebuffed the self-righteous pharisees who lack in their concern for the poor. The truth is, we can't pigeonhole God incarnate. He cannot be the perfect husband or the perfect boss or the perfect president from our perspective, because if we truly encounter him, we will find our deepest values challenged- freedom or security or social control. He is ultimately not the friend of the liberal or the conservative. The world joined in crucifying him- a zealot betrayed him, the Jewish leaders accused him, and the Romans put him on the cross. However, in God's perspective, he is the perfect king.           

     "Daddy are you proud of me?" My daughter asks me that question once in a while. As a person who has struggled with low self-esteem, feeling that I have nothing to offer, this statement from my daughter gave me a profound sense of the value of my existence. My daughter needs me! She needs me not just to provide for her needs or even her wants, she needs me to feel valued. 

     Western culture celebrates equality and openness, accessibility, and everything that bring honor to every individual. In that sense, it is in line with the biblical mandate to honor everyone, including the disabled. The Old testament talks about God's abhorrence for people putting stumbling bloks in front of the blind and cursing the deaf behind their backs. However, western culture usually tolerates practices that actually bring dishonor to people- sexual promiscuity and exploitation of the work force for the enrichment of a few. 

     How do we fully bring honor to others? I believe it is by setting up conditions where people feel profoundly needed. Not just needed to do a job for example, or to be a sexual object, but needed as a whole person. There is value in the existence of the person beyond what they can do and beyond the pleasure they can provide. There is value in the existence of the person with cerebral palsy who on the surface looks to be someone who just consumes our services. To find that value, we must be open to his thoughts and abilities, we must be open to seeing how they can enrich our lives. We must be humble enough to recognize how we need others, not just what they can do or give, but their presence- their character and attitude.

     Some people may not want to be needed. They may honestly prefer handouts to contributing to society. They need to be constantly reminded that the world needs them to give of themselves- their work, their attitude, their character. I would like to end with a note to my daughter "Baby girl, you have profoundly changed my life and I am forever grateful:)"  

     I want to reflect on what I believe to be two misconceptions about feelings. The first one is that feelings have to be squelched. I heard a preacher once encourage people who are losing their faith to  bypass their feelings and stand on the truth of God's word. I admit that that this could be encouraging. However, there is an underlying assumption here- that the person "feels" that the God behind the bible is trustworthy. If that is not the case, then the encouragement does not go anywhere. it does not matter if we say we believe the bible because of the manuscript and historical evidence because those things don't prove that the God of the bilble is trustworthy personally. The words may actually be written when it says it was written but that does not prove that a good God whom we can trust in our circumstances is behind the bible. Faith requires a leap- a feeling needs to develop. Hatred for God might as well be the feeling that gets evoked by historical investgation, especially if a person just sees a God  of judgment in scriptures and somehow does not get grabbed by the grace of God. I believe because when I see the Jesus presented in the bible, I can't help but believe. Reason does not bring about faith but a supernatural work of God's Spirit. His Spirit connects with our Spirit and faith develops, just like love developing between two persons. 

     My point is that we always are influenced by our feelings. Therefore, it makes no sense to insinuate that we could let feelings go. I believe it makes more sense to pray that  God heal that feeling. The second misconcetion is that feelings are neutral, its the way it is expressed that has moral implications. It is widely believed that there is nothing wrong with being angry, but exressing it violenty is what is wrong. However, in the final chapter of Jonah, God questioned (he did not affirm it) Jonah's anger at God taking away his shade. God questioned his anger at the loss  of the shade but his uncaring attitude for the Ninevites who would have faced God's judgment. God called out Jonah for being so self-focused. Maybe our anger at things in our lives may be a reflection of our desire to be in complete control, our unforgiveness, our selfishness. Anger needs to be examined and may point to something we need to repent of. We need to ask God to forgive us for feeling anger when it is rooted in the flesh. God requires us to praise him, which is a  feeling as much as an action.

     A while ago, I was feeling depressed about how much I was getting paid for work. To get myself to have a good attitude at work, I reminded myself that Jesus is my true emloyer. However, instead of being a comfort to me, I thought to mysef, Jesus is only paying me x amount of dollars and it made me feel worse.

     Then I realized, Jesus (God's) provision does not end with the money I earn at work. It also includes the helps me and my family receive from others. It also includes my health which enables me towork in the first place, and also health which is good enough that I don't have to worry about expensive treatments. Everything that sustains my life comes from him. Add to this the fringe benefits of life- the love of family, the joy of friendships, the pleasure of God's creation.

     Besides money, we like to get from our work a sense of purpose. We don't want to feel that our work is purposeless. Again, reflecting on who our true emoloyer is, frees us from the nagging feeling that our work has no purpose. Because our true employer is the Lord of the universe, we can safely assume that our purpose is not limited to our work. God did not just place us in the workplace but he also placed us in families and friendships and neighborhoods and a whole universe. We get fixated on our career but God has a bigger mission for us and it is not to climb the career ladder as fast as we could. He "simply" requires us to conduct ourselves with justice, mercy, and humility. We can safely assume that he meant for us to practice those three wherever we are- workplace, family, neighborhood, etc. Those  three things may not get us  professional satisfaction or popularity with the world, but it will give us  the peace of mind that we are pursuing what matters eternally. The judgment of the world ends at our deathbed but the joy of the Lord lasts for eternity. 

     The whole point of my reflection is to remind us, especially when we are feeling a sense of frustration with work, that there is a bigger universe. If you let go of the obsession with this one aspect of life, you will find  that you are compensated beyond what you need, and your life is more purposeful than you imagine.  

    "What am I to do?", exclaimed an elderly and disabled woman who just found out that her daughter, who has been her only help, has passed away. What are we to do in the aftermath of the loss of dreams, roles, honor, security, etc.? Loss is heart rending and it is inevitable. There are many kinds of losses. Broken relationships, shattered expectations, failing abilities, death, are kinds of losses and they are inevitable parts of life. 

     Loss is the downside of grace, it hits the "deserving" and the "undeserving". Sports teams that seem destined for a championship never get there (i.e. Buffalo Bills of the 90's). I think we become fans of certain teams because deep inside of us we want life to be fair. A team that has worked hard and had players we feel have good attitudes attract our sympathy. We believe that "good" should come to those we consider "good" and that there should be an equal distribution of the "good", whatever that means. We get offended when peoole insult us because deep down inside we expect to be treated a certain way. An insult shatters that expectation and we want to rectify it.      

     There are varieties of methods to deal with loss. Sometimes we face loss by denying its severity. For example, a jilted lover telling himself that its not really a big deal, that there are more fish in the water. Sometimes we face loss by jumping for a replacement. The same jilted lover quickly finding another person to pursue. Sometimes we face loss by deflecting it. For example, saying to ourselves when insulted to "not take it personally" is a way of deflecting the loss of honor felt when insulted. Sometimes we face loss by numbing ourselves through drugs, alcohol, etc. Sometimes we face loss by withdrawing- not trying anymore or by becoming hopeless. 

     Loss is painful and does not disappear through denial or numbing. Loss has the power to kill the spirit, if not also the body. Loss has the power to kill the character- destroying gratitude, trust, etc. It is humanity's most pervasive and powerful enemy. It is unstoppable because our universe is subject to decay. We will lose our strength (body and mind) as we grow older. Relationships change as time moves on. Institutions we cherish lose their potency after many years. 

     There is truth in the idea that attachment is the root of suffering. Attachment to dreams or expectations can prevent us from having peace. However, does this mean that asceticism is the way to go? Is the life of the monk the way to live? There is another truth that attachments are necessary for the flourishing of life. A child who has a disattached father develops a sense of insecurity that blocks him from having peace in his life. Whether the father regrets the broken relationship or not, he has caused that break and is responsible for its consequences. While his child needed somebody who would dedicate his life to him (making the child's joy his own joy), he separated his life from him maybe by letting him go his own way without any guidance, ignoring him, or worse- treating him as an obstacle to his own "dreams". Our seach for personal fulfillment does not trump our responsibility towards others. The individual is not the center of his universe. There is a power who cares for the flourishing of all of creation, and we oppose that power when we put our own flourishing as the center of our universe. 

     So how do we deal with loss without going the way of disattachment? We embrace it as part of reality. A helpful way to look at attachment and loss is to look at it as the pounding of a hammer. The craftsman pounds the soul to shape it. The craftsman removes the rough edges to make it a thing of beauty, a display of his workmanship. The soul has the choice of seeing the craftsman as cruel or seeing him as good. The soul has the choice of becoming bitter or submitting to the craftman's purpose. May we make the choice that would give us peace.