"What am I to do?", exclaimed an elderly and disabled woman who just found out that her daughter, who has been her only help, has passed away. What are we to do in the aftermath of the loss of dreams, roles, honor, security, etc.? Loss is heart rending and it is inevitable. There are many kinds of losses. Broken relationships, shattered expectations, failing abilities, death, are kinds of losses and they are inevitable parts of life. 

     Loss is the downside of grace, it hits the "deserving" and the "undeserving". Sports teams that seem destined for a championship never get there (i.e. Buffalo Bills of the 90's). I think we become fans of certain teams because deep inside of us we want life to be fair. A team that has worked hard and had players we feel have good attitudes attract our sympathy. We believe that "good" should come to those we consider "good" and that there should be an equal distribution of the "good", whatever that means. We get offended when peoole insult us because deep down inside we expect to be treated a certain way. An insult shatters that expectation and we want to rectify it.      

     There are varieties of methods to deal with loss. Sometimes we face loss by denying its severity. For example, a jilted lover telling himself that its not really a big deal, that there are more fish in the water. Sometimes we face loss by jumping for a replacement. The same jilted lover quickly finding another person to pursue. Sometimes we face loss by deflecting it. For example, saying to ourselves when insulted to "not take it personally" is a way of deflecting the loss of honor felt when insulted. Sometimes we face loss by numbing ourselves through drugs, alcohol, etc. Sometimes we face loss by withdrawing- not trying anymore or by becoming hopeless. 

     Loss is painful and does not disappear through denial or numbing. Loss has the power to kill the spirit, if not also the body. Loss has the power to kill the character- destroying gratitude, trust, etc. It is humanity's most pervasive and powerful enemy. It is unstoppable because our universe is subject to decay. We will lose our strength (body and mind) as we grow older. Relationships change as time moves on. Institutions we cherish lose their potency after many years. 

     There is truth in the idea that attachment is the root of suffering. Attachment to dreams or expectations can prevent us from having peace. However, does this mean that asceticism is the way to go? Is the life of the monk the way to live? There is another truth that attachments are necessary for the flourishing of life. A child who has a disattached father develops a sense of insecurity that blocks him from having peace in his life. Whether the father regrets the broken relationship or not, he has caused that break and is responsible for its consequences. While his child needed somebody who would dedicate his life to him (making the child's joy his own joy), he separated his life from him maybe by letting him go his own way without any guidance, ignoring him, or worse- treating him as an obstacle to his own "dreams". Our seach for personal fulfillment does not trump our responsibility towards others. The individual is not the center of his universe. There is a power who cares for the flourishing of all of creation, and we oppose that power when we put our own flourishing as the center of our universe. 

     So how do we deal with loss without going the way of disattachment? We embrace it as part of reality. A helpful way to look at attachment and loss is to look at it as the pounding of a hammer. The craftsman pounds the soul to shape it. The craftsman removes the rough edges to make it a thing of beauty, a display of his workmanship. The soul has the choice of seeing the craftsman as cruel or seeing him as good. The soul has the choice of becoming bitter or submitting to the craftman's purpose. May we make the choice that would give us peace.