As someone who works with children alongside other adults, I have observed a range of ways of how adults handle children. This is not meant to be an indictment of how some adults handle children. We adults are prone to become impatient or lax depending on our moods. My purpose is to offer a standard by which we can evaluate our handling of children, whether our own or not.

    On one extreme, there are adults who yell at children as a way to get them to comply. Its unfortunate that there are environments where this showing of toughness is considered normal. Children then imbibe the attitude that toughness gets things done and gets your needs taken care of, and we wonder why some children grow up fighting authority and subsuming relationships for the sake of their egos. On the other hand, there are adults who don't enforce consequences for wrong behavior. Children are then thought that their wrong behavior does not have ultimate consequences, including the loss of relationships.

   In the bible, there are admonitions to the family. Wives are told to submit and husbands are told to be considerate. Children are told to obey and fathers are told to not exasperate their children.

     The wife-husband admonition reflects the nature of the adult-adult relationship. The wife is told to subsume her agenda (submit) for the sake of the marital relationship. The husband is then told to consider his wife's agenda as he lives with her. It is the tendency in a relationship between equals, that one member of the relationship takes over and "dominates" the other member.  Because of physical and emotional weakness (more fragility), women tend to be dominated by men. Men make decisions and actions that ignores his wife's needs, and women becomes resentful. The husband-wife admonition is that they look to each other's agendas and not just their own.

     On the other hand, the parent-child relationship is by nature unequal. Without guidance from the parent, the child is lost. He won't function well in the world and in his relationships. The child needs to recognize that he is under training as he faces the world. The forces within him needs to be directed properly. Therefore, the admonition for him is to accept that position by obeying. As the child gets older, that obedience transforms into cooperation and accountability. He needs to accept that he does not have enough knowledge to recognize right and wrong, therefore he needs to look to his parents for guidance. He needs to repress his agendas, even if he does not fully understand. The parent needs to recognize this, which means he needs to evoke trust from the child by showing interest in the child by emphatizing and caring. This leads us to the command to not exasperate or frustrate children. Here are some ways adults frustrate children.

1. Squelching, instead of directing, forces within them. Children like to investigate and they should not be scolded for this, but guided into doing it safely and even be with them as they investigate. This is just one example- children also like to expend energy, feel safe and comfortable, feel loved and competent, etc.

2. Expecting children to obey without question. i recognize that sometimes explaining the purpose of rules fully may not be productive. However, it is for the interest of our relationship with children that we be open to dialogue about our values/rules. 

3. Getting into power struggles. Children have sin natures just like adults. They have the will to power, to get their way at whatever cost. Therefore, they may use dialogue not as a tool for undestanding but as a tool to get adults to change their mind. Dialogue must be stopped and consequences may be given at this point. Engaging in a struggle to silence the child by yelling down the child is wrong. As the adult, you already have the authority over them, and there is no need to flaunt it. Power struggles occur when the adult is more interested in showing his power than guiding the child. Adults must watch out that they are not reacting out of self-interest (wanting to look good, vindicating hurt feelings).

     I saw an article in a magazine that mentioned what young adults wanted as they were growing up in church. One statement struck me- it said "Act like you like us". It made me reflect on what made them feel like people did not like them. Maybe the adults in church treated them like they are a burden- they are noisy, smart-alecks, disrespectful. The natural tendency is to push off and even be contemptous when our self-interest (need for peace, respect, etc.) is threatened. However, the way of the cross is not to push off but to give up self-interest for the sake  of something greater, the propagation of the way of the cross to our children. Adults need to take seriously the responsibility to guide our children, by example of self-sacrifice and gentle caring guidance. Let them also walk in the way of the cross.